Recovering From A Failed Frozen Embryo Transfer

Trigger warning: embryo loss, loss

Not the post I thought I'd be writing 10 days ago, but we unfortunately lost our first transfer.

Everything was perfect, endometrium was measuring 11, progesterone was going well, all scans were clear, had come off 2 weeks of antibiotics... but it failed and we lost one of our embryos.

HCG was less than 5 for our first beta, 10 days post transfer, and I pretty much lost my breath. Our doctor called that evening, not to discuss next steps but to check in and grieve with us. She was also kind of shocked, it was a textbook silver platter ready type of cycle. The transfer itself was a 10/10.

Sometimes, this can just happen.

We have the famous WTF call this afternoon and planning on how to move forward with our last embryo from first round of egg retrieval. A perfect euploid who passed both pgta & pgtm testing.

Apart from feeling ill that we had no shot to take this morning, or that now instead of waiting for another beta I am waiting for my cycle to start again I am focusing on taking care of me. Allowing myself to grieve, but also using it to keep me moving forward in our journey.

5 Key things I want to do different this time around, not because I think they are why I failed but because I know how excruciating this two week wait was:

Really focus on limiting stress.

I am a high anxiety person, always have been. My heart rate resting sometimes just spikes on its own and my brain never shuts the f*** up. I want to incorporate acupuncture, massages, and physical self care that I don't think I did enough of the first time.

Keep my hands busy.

Baking more, food prepping, and any type of low key arts and crafts (even if I'm not that artistic). Not for perfection, but to force my brain into creativity and what is in front of me at the moment. I've seen a lot of different arts and crafts I want to try and made a list of things I want to bake/prep.

Spend more meaningful time with my husband.

The two week wait made us both feel like we were in a mental institute. We pulled away from each other because we were just zombies. We were scared, anxious, and just had no idea what to expect. There is so much hope and love put into IVF and the 10 days of bliss assuming I was pregnant weighs on you a little more every day. Not just sitting in our routine or anxiety is top priority for us moving forward.

Stop the scroll.

Literally cutting myself off from social media and chatgpt. Simple as that, I even know better- every single person going through IVF has a specific story yet my brain let me sit and compare. For the 2ww I plan on deleting social media from my phone and either watch a movie/show or play my cozy games instead.

Still being positive and hopeful without getting ahead of myself.

This one sounds easy, but there is so much fear going into a second transfer. My doctor reminded me that absolutely you have to be hopeful, you have to assume your pregnant- it would be wild NOT to. Especially when every single decision I make day to day is for the success of coming out the other side with a baby. That being said, I am going to try my absolute best not to symptom spot. I know now that there is a cruelty to this, your body mimics pregnancy with the hormones.

These aren't any different than what I intended to do with my first transfer, but after this loss and knowing what to expect with the 2ww I now know the importance of them to protect not just my mind and heart, but also my husband's.

If you've lost ANY transfer, love to you and always wishing you baby dust. Our story isn't over yet.

To me and you, love me

Lauren